Friday, April 29, 2016

Whirlwind of emotions.

Salads are amazing yet never satisfying ... I've never felt them to be -- it's like taco bell I'm always hungry an hour later.  I got a nice salad from Harris Teeter at lunch yesterday and picked up some Peppermint tea to sip throughout the day and then a mid afternoon snack of some turkey slices and pickles.... It wasn't anything fancy or exciting but it's better then the snickers bar or the random treats (Oreos/Chocolate covered yogurt raising/fruit snacks) I forgot in my drawer that I begged my coworker to remove for me -- which she did :) 

Last night I still had a coupon to use for a dinner with a purchase of a drink at Moe's ... one simply does not pass up this deal. So to Moe's after work I went. Determined to make this work. I asked for a burrito bowl with half the rice and added in chicken, lettuce, tomato, cheese, sour cream and Guac ... I skipped the chips (YES ... I SKIPPED THE DELICIOUS CHIPS) and got a "northern tea" as they call it which is in fact ... unsweetened.  I was able to avoid the fun game of pick your favorite of the 50 types of soda machine ... I felt good.  Till I sat down.  How BORING --- a bowl, no chips and unsweetened tea.  But I ate it and ate it all I did. 

Walking through my apartment door I realized that in the whirlwind that had been the last month of constant travel, long days and exhaustion-- my place was A MESS.  I had walked in and dropped whatever I needed to drop.  So I got to work.  I surprisingly had a lot of energy.  Cleaned my living room and kitchen from top to bottom and made a box of all the stuff in my kitchen I didn't need for the next 20 days.  Some I will donate to those that want it and others I will just box up and put in the pantry for later if I decide I would like to have it. 

Then ... I got hungry! Or I think anyways.  I took pictures of myself (I'm not going to post them right now -- I need to have something to post with it to make myself feel better I think) took measurements and got into my comfy clothes.  

Here is the challenge. 

Here is where I would mindlessly eat while working at the computer or watching tv -- another challenge for the day. DO NOT DO IT. 

My friend I mentioned in my original post had told me about a documentary of sorts called FED UP! and that I needed to watch it. So I sat down with my lemon water and fired up the 'ol netflix and started watching it. It was about an hour and a half and as I watched it I forgot about my hunger and just felt sick.  Sick that this is what is happening to us as a society and at one point I had tears in my eyes from what I was watching ... and how much I had suppressed as a child. It's something I will be watching again -- probably several times at that... 

Then I went to bed. 

Throughout the night I had to go to the bathroom A LOT -- as in I don't feel like I slept at all ... but I guess my body was finally getting rid of some of the water weight I've been carrying for weeks ... yeah for swelling to hopefully go down. 


I was heartbroken when I woke up and went into the kitchen to see that at some point in the night I had eaten the only two things left in my fridge that I was bringing to work to give to a coworker.  Two Chocolate pudding cups.  Empty. Sitting on the counter. I live alone so unless someone came in and didn't take anything and just ate the pudding cups I must have eaten them ... somehow ... sometime during the night. 

I NEVER SLEEP EAT!! Or do I? Is this something that's been happening and I just never realized it? Or was sugar such an addiction that it was able to play my mind in the middle of the night in a semi conscious state and how on earth do I NOT REMEMBER?  SCARY! 

I made my coffee got ready for work and left early stopping at the grocery store on the way -- by passing all my usual morning stops -- DD, Starbucks, McDonald's, QuikTrip, Sonic, .... Sorry friends we must breakup. 

I'm lucky enough that my work has a complete kitchen so I loaded up with bacon, avocado, eggs, cheese, almond butter, my apple and a few other things and went to work to cook my breakfast -- my co-workers were jealous because I made the office smell good -- I told them if they all do it with me I'll cook every morning :) 

So here is to another day of hopefully succeeding! 

I choose health it doesn't choose me. 

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Starts are rough!

"If we don't make a choice about how we spend our time, how we think about something, if we don't make a choice about whatever work we do, the commitments we make , someone will choose for us." - Diane Sanfilippo 

Today is Day 1 -- or was suppose to be -- I'm on the fence of if I should actually count today as day one. 

Last night I didn't sleep well therefore my morning routine was delayed ... or rushed depending on how you want to look at it. Habit took over -- I FORGOT I was starting this detox -- how did I FORGET? Because while I read the plan and had a small plan in place I didn't yet clean out my cupboards so -- out of habit as I was rushing around brushing my hair, getting dressed and brushing my teeth all seemingly at the same time the bagel I had got popped into the toaster. The Coffee got poured into my travel mug, butter spread on the bagel, in my carry dish and out the door I went.  It wasn't until I was half way to work and about done my bagel I realized what I had done. 

I have a 40 minute commute to work each day.  I usually use this time to eat my breakfast, drink my coffee and mentally plan my day. Clearly I will need to prepare some breakfast options that are easy to eat on the road as this is a habit I have an I enjoy -- it helps pass the ridiculous time I sit in traffic. 

I didn't go to the grocery store yet so here it is lunchtime and i'm hungry -- (I've only had that said bagel) so it's off to the grocery store to make a salad at the salad bar for lunch and the grocery store on the way home. 

Just a quick little update --- I'll have a longer one later tonight when I get home with my grocery and have a change to find my tape to do measurements and photos. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2016


We all have that one excuse.  

That one thing that makes what we are experiencing not THAT bad because we haven't reached that point?  When we reach that point it will finally be THAT bad --- but we aren't there yet so no need to panic. 

HOWEVER, when you do in fact reach THAT point ... life crumbles ... the walls close in ... the floor fades away.  There are no more excuses.  No more "but I haven't"(s)....

This point came to me last night.  Growing up I always thought that 300 pounds was a ridiculous number to weigh ... and that I would NEVER reach that point. Other people yes but me? No. Sure, I was overweight - in fact i'm not sure if I've ever actually BEEN a healthy weight ... but I digress.  The last few months I've been feeling miserable, experienced incredible swelling in my body/legs/feet daily, mood swings and overall discontentment with life, how I look to myself and others as well as how I feel. 

I stepped on the scale. 

Yes, I know I did it at night and we should never step on the scale at night -- they say -- who ever they are...

What did it read? OVER the dreaded number... 302 pounds!!! I was devastated and already in an emotional and sleep deprived state from the burning the candle at both ends I've been doing recently, I collapsed to the floor in very dramatic fashion like you see in the movies and had the meltdown --- sliding down the wall and all.  Thankfully, I live alone. 

After a good 30 minutes of a pity party I started to scroll through facebook -- what else is there to do? At this point I came across a post from a very dear friend who I love more then words could say or more then he probably knows at this point.  It was his TWO year anniversary in which he made his dramatic life change. I don't know how much he's lost -- I have to remember to ask -- but it's over 100 pounds. He looks FANTASTIC -- lets' repeat that -- F A N T A S T I C!  I am a firm believer in signs. That was my sign.  We started talking and he told me what he did to start -- a very simple 21 days. He was just as addicted as I am to the soda, sugar and carbs -- we would share meals a lot of similar findings so I know. (P.S. I wish we lived closer!) So finally I thought to myself, heck if he could do it and survive so can I.  His excitement in telling me about the program and his journey has been infectious.  I will not lie.  However.... 


Sure I said. I would love to and I will -- but right now isn't the right time.  I have a busy month coming up, I just went grocery shopping, my budget is tight, etc... they went on all night.  He listened to me and just would gently guide me back to basics of the program.  But still I went to bed thinking to myself I need another month. I need to prepare. I need I need I need.... 

Woke up today -- made breakfast and packed my lunch and at lunch I unpacked my bag and set my can of diet coke I brought in front of me and also got a glass of water.  I challenged myself to always choose the water... and you know what?  I did! I put the can of coke back in my bag and back into the fridge when lunch was done. 

NSV #1 done. 

It was at that moment that I realized I no longer have excuses.  So what if I have a stacked may -- so what if I spent $20 bucks in groceries on junk on the way home last night ... I STILL DON'T NEED IT!!! Whether it's now or a month from now -- it's just making it harder on myself. 

So tonight I read the program, make my list, take my pictures, do my measurements as best I can myself and start tomorrow. 

April 28th, 2016 the day I start to BUILD BRENDA! 

21 Day Sugar Detox here I come! 

Lord help me to still have a job and friends when this is over.... wish me luck -- it's about to get interesting.